You might think HITMAN is a game about killing people in various, increasingly creative ways. You might think HITMAN is a violent, cold-blooded murder simulator.
But allow me to surprise you.
Because really, HITMAN is a game about dress-up, fashion, and roleplay.
Allow me to demonstrate with this little tale.
It begins in the idyllic Italian town of Sapienza, as so many tales before it. I—Agent 47 (an artist name, obviously, we cannot go around and flounder our true names in this day and age—just overheard a story in the local barbershop about a detective in town who is going to meet a “Francesca De Santis”. The name sounds vaguely familiar, but really, we’re interested in this detective, for his… ahem, fashion sense.
Shortly after I find him sleeping on a bench. That will not do, we have important work to be done! So I throw a coin in front of him, snapping him out of his slumber. Then he begins his stroll around town, after a quick phonecall, agreeing to meet this Francesca on the Pier.
I casually stroll along behind him, you know, as you do, shopping for clothes, admiring the local sights.
Then he stops. By a well. Calls another person, and just stops. Doesn’t move at all.
Well. That’s boring. I thought…
And sure enough, I stumble down to the pier, and there, Francesca De Santis is waiting politely for a detective who is just never showing up. Furthermore, he’s standing in a public place, so it’s impossible to relieve him of any of his luggage! Rude!
Well, new plan, then. That was boring.
Alright, time to sneak into the mansion and find better opportunities.
With free access to the mansion, I get my bearings when this pops up on the screen!
Oh shit! Pink/blue shirt guy! He’s bad news. He hates fashion. I mean, just look at his attire. Clearly bad news for the fashion world.
I walk outside and see the ancient ruins to the side. A plan forms in my head. A devious, excellent plan. I need to do some weeding out.
I set to work immediately. Knowing I have to get there, but I can’t because of those white-dot guys won’t let me pass, so I try to find another way to the ruins. I spot on my map that if I go through the underground biolab I can get to the ruins through the back-door.
One problem: Gotta get there first, and that area is off-limits to regular Mansion Security Guards like me. But it's the way forwards is downwards!
I quickly find a wine cellar… where…
Now it's straight to the secret underground lair!
Strolling down to the door, and this empty door, for some reason, wants to frisk me.
I’ve got a gun and a knife (don’t ask, academia can get... hairy), so I’d rather not get frisked. I run through (Seriously, there were no guards at the door, I don’t understand why it wanted to frisk me) and hide in the nearby box. No one saw me go in, so even though it still wants to frisk me, I’m fine.
Until I’m suddenly Hunted. Oh, but what for!
Luckily, no one knows where I am in the box. I'm practically invisible.
But down to the biolab, there are now three guards and a scientist, all with white dots, all immediately suspicious if I as much as sneeze in their direction. So that way's a no-go. Better slink right out.
New plan: Acrobatics.
Heard a splash! Don’t know what that was about!
I climb up, throw a coin to bribe the innocent men standing at the end of the bridge, but they want none of it.
We disagree for a while, but I, naturally, come out ahead.
I find my spot, and then, it’s back to the waiting game.
There’s always a lot of this, in any business as tough as mine. You got to outbest the competition, and the best road, sometimes, is to be patient, and wait for your opportunity to strike. Those plants are pesky, you know. They require a strong mind.
Plan succeeded! A victory for fashion!
I used the ancient cannon and did some good ol’ fashioned gardening! The trusty cannon never fails to root out those weeds. Works every time.
But I’m not quite done. Remember that Francesca woman? Yeah, she’s now back in the mansion somewhere.
And clearly, it was her fault my detective friend didn’t do as expected. So, time for a little revenge.
First, I have a bit of a tragic stroll down the biolab, but turns out gardeners are not welcome down there! Huh! And we all know that scientist is not really my jam, so let’s take a different path.
Gotta get your exercise! Remember that.
There’s just one problem: Being a gardener has stopped suiting me.
So, a quick skip and a coin toss and….
Now, with the upper floor of the mansion once again available to me, I go to Francesca's office and guard it for a bit. You know, waiting around, casually strolling, keeping an eye out for suspicious activity.
Seeing as she isn’t coming back just then, I stroll outside and hide around a corner.
And, well... there's really no other way to say this.
Oh! Uh. Well, that just sort of happened. Sorry, ma’am. The knife slipped right outta my hand. And I slipped into the wall. I know, I know. You can call me a magician. It's fine. I won't mind.
Oh, shit, gotta go!
A bit more exercise later and we’re scot-free!
The whole mansion on red alert after an explosion and a maniac throwing knives at people!
Would’ve gotten me all up in a jiffy too.
But just look at them all. They look so cute down there.
There you have it!
HITMAN, without a single act of violence! Outside, you know, the necessary ones.
All was as portrayed. Not a single artist was hurt in the making of this production.
Thank you, and sleep tight!
See other Sunday Morning Games here.
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